Ownership and Blame

I have been looking at who is responsible for my flabby stomach, flippy- floppy Aunt Matilda upper arms, and multiple chins. I know it is me. I put the food in my mouth. I allowed the food to calm my nerves. I allowed the bad habits and lethargy to become status quo. Annie's mailbox today had some tragic tale of a Mom who suddenly found herself blamed for her adult children's self esteem and failed marriage. Annie's writers said, "Some children never mature sufficiently to take responsibility for their own lives. It is easier to blame Mom or Dad for whatever problem or unhappiness they have." (10/7/09 Auburn Journal).

My sister-in-law was discussing her lap-band surgery success of a 40 lb. loss. She did look slimmer in face and upper arms, but she grabbed her hang-y down-y belly and said, "This is the result of a 13 lb. baby." Her 5 year old was responsible for her 'gut gone wild'. She did not feel responsible for the creation of the thing, so her next idea was to get her stomach "cut off", her boobs "reshaped" and then the devastation that child bearing had wreaked on her body could be erased through the magic of plastic surgery.

I have a surgical consult for my wrist cyst tomorrow. I am supposed to see what the doctor can do to stop this obnoxious bump from aching and swelling at random times, with no apparent cure. Helpful people have told me it is a Gideon's bump... and needs to be whacked soundly with a bible or heavy book. I have 4 or 5 times now let my family go at me with a giant tome. Harry Potter's final book was the last book that my husband and daughter whacked me with. Hurt, but I still have the bump... I think that they held back. But surgery scares me a bit. The what-if factor of nerves being involved worries me, and I kinda want to go to the acupuncturist and the herbal gal and maybe see if a liver cleanse is what I really need. Right side of the body, wrist, shoulder and knee are all liver related, and they all hurt, and maybe if I drank olive oil and lemon juice, the bile ducts in my liver would spew forth thousands of crystalized "stones", since my gall bladder isn't around to handle them anymore... they might just be clogging up the works, so I could have this blockage in my chi and that could be the reason I gots pain.

So, I admit that I am a little nervous about surgery. I have been messed with about 4 times. Wisdom teeth... that went okay when I was 19. There was the ovarian cyst when I was pregnant with Molly. (Really pretty scar from that.) Gall bladder went away right after we moved in here to Auburn house, and I was taking care of my mother and the one I am most glad I got, was the TVP... This cinched up my uterus so it didn't squash my bladder and make me pee down my leg. (This was my favorite of the 4). The cyst and gallbladder were both emergency-ish and the doctor's told me that the surgery was very much my only option. The TVP was one that made sense, as the peeing prevented me from exercise and smelling like urine for 16 years was not as much fun as it sounds. I do not regret that one in the slightest... Though I wonder at the cyst... was it an ectopic twin for Molly? Could I have done a cleanse and repaired my gall bladder, as it seems to be an organ that actually does a pretty important job for the body?

I weighed this morning and I was 276. That is down 14 pounds from my starting point of 290 lbs. I chose whether to exercise or put food in my mouth, and that is why I was able to make that change. My 501 jeans are still tight and my midsection still overhangs the waistband when I sit down, so I have more work to do before I can even wear last year's jeans comfortably. When I think about the food diary assignment that most weight loss programs suggest, I think about the accountability factor that it provides. It prevents one from saying, "I have no idea why I haven't lost any weight," because it is simply a math problem for them to figure out the numbers of calories needed to run a body for a day, and the number of calories that they take into the body. Put more in than you need, and you aren't going to see reducing results. Just Basic Math.

The way I am looking at the food is quality, and a gentle shifting. Add a fruit or veggie into the mix. See if I can cook something ahead of time to just pop in the microwave for breakfast. This is as much as I have done at this point about the food I put into my body. And my results are a 14 pound loss. If I were actually following a reduction plan, I might be looking at a greater loss, but right now, I am happy with 14 lbs. over the past 6 weeks. That is a little bit over 2 pounds per week on average.

I created the shape of this body. I can only thank or blame myself. I have a habit of eating to comfort myself. I have been uncomfortable a great deal in the last 15 years. This is neither new news or unique. Some folks turn towards a hobby, some towards exercise, some towards an addiction. My sin against health has been food. I own the size I am, and feel like I can decide that I want to make myself smaller. As my friend, Diana curls up in the fetal position on her bed today, as the world has overwhelmed her, I will attempt to shove myself into a jog bra and get my flippy-floppy Aunt Matilda arms off to the gym. I am a creator, and I want to make something different than a body that is 100+pounds overweight.