Personal Power and Stress

So, I don't just overeat... I overspend and can have a tendency to get on my high horse when I feel people aren't treating me fairly. And, to be honest, one addiction is kinda feeding the other. You see, when a season would change when I was getting larger each time, I would justify large purchases of clothing as needing the new size, and if I were to track my stress, it would be during stressful IEP (work) time or holidays approaching time, or when I felt compelled to go do a family event that the new ensembles would show up in my wardrobe. I would claim I was just trying to find something that fit. Now that I have lost a few pounds, my clothing isn't strained to the limit, and things are getting a bit looser on me, but I was still in need of that new clothes smell, and I got a little spendy this past week or so.
I want to be powerful and save my money, so that I can get out of debt and save a bit to help send kid number two to college, and pay back my college loan for my Masters and maybe do one last fun family vacation before the kids get all attached and unavailable during their break times. I also kinda want Starbuck's daily or at least once weekly... and I justified the purchase of some jewelry this weekend, at the POW-WOW, claiming that the limited time of the event was motivation for the purchases...could have just gotten one thing.. bought 4 things... and when my husband was sitting in his bathrobe this morning with a furrowed brow and his computer in his lap when he was generally in the shower at 6:35 am, I realized that my spending might have gone a tad overboard, and sure enough he was borrowing from one account to cover the other, so that we could make it until Friday without overdrafting...
And the guilt. In my logical mind, the guilt is noticed as an event, but it doesn't stick as I have power over the choices I make in this moment but the stuff I did already or the stuff I have yet to do is kinda stuff I can't control. So logically, I laugh at the limit in my space... HaHa. But realistically, I am tortured. I spoke with my husband, at first humbly, where I acknowledged my lack of discretion, and then I immediately went to things he did to cause my choices... He did this or that, and next time lets try this other thing.
Blame is kinda the partner for guilt. I have a challenge to grow in other aspects of my professional life, and at first things that were said made me mad, and then they made me sad. I have been fussing about these things and feeling put upon for about three or four weeks. I have turned over in my mind the things that I heard, and have turned the argument towards the vile betrayer who is dealing with his or her own grief and blame, and the cycle is just redundant. And stupid.
So, when I feel unfairly treated, I get real generous with myself. I try to do something that will have a long term gratification, but sometimes I give so much to myself, that the bank objects and the over draft fees pile up. This is never my goal, but is sometimes my outcome. So, money stress can send me to the feeding post, or the feelings of stress can send me to spend more money and throwing money after money is just kinda dumb.
The native woman at the POW-WOW this weekend said the answer is love. Love the person who challenges you at work. Love the people who you live with. Love the weather and the people who are changing or staying the same. Love, Love, Love, Love, Love, all the time, everywhere... this is her idea of nirvana. She felt it was the best advice she could give me with my new turquoise drop earrings I was buying.
I sent an email to a woman friend of mine. I was a bit righteous. I had been wronged and I needed her to know her part in it. I tried to be as neutral as possible, but I know that I really did want her to see things my way. I wanted to be all about the clear communication, and felt I was the better friend for letting her know what was what... than the other folks who bitched about her, and then to her face treated her friendly. I wanted to let her know she didn't have to change to suit me, but if she wanted my friendship, she need only ask and respect my boundaries. So, I read and re-read the email. It was the end of a long week, and I was stressed out from the challenges that my job manifested in the week, and I wanted to feel powerful about something. This was something that I could check off of my mental to-do list. Done. Sent. Whew.
I lasted about an hour in my warm glow of power. I was strong and capable. I was creating truth and being honest. I was being loving, but not a doormat. Then, on a dime, my power became different. Oh, no... what if I was just an indignant victim, punishing her for the hard week I had gone through. I began to second guess my rights and my responsibilities. Then, on Saturday, that is when I spent.
Fat covers a multitude of flaws. Like a thick blanket of snow over the top of the broken appliances and vehicles that cover my father's front yard, fat can cover up the fear and loathing that one has in their space. I am just a really nice fat person, is not always the case. I am a magnificent loser.
I am down 16 lbs. and see, here I am doubting my right for professional courtesy. I am doubting my right to be treated kindly. I am wondering if that one lady should have screamed at me. But, no. I am not someone who should be abused...and have another helping. I am one who needs to own my power and let the silly people who want to control me, sit there and wonder what the brilliance is that stands strongly before them... I want to decide to save money and then do so. I don't want to print a retraction on my goal because I get hurt, tired, sick, or annoyed. I don't want to use the challenge I have to justify the choices that I make with food or money. I want to move forward, not mark time in one hurt zone... waiting to tell my story to the next passerby.
Forgiveness is the thing. Gotta let the scared parent be scared. Gotta let the mad Bride be mad. Gotta let the unfair husband see what he is doing, and then relook at the goals and see if the actions and the destinations match up. Gotta just say, "Woops, I did it again," and then try to set it up so the pit falls aren't so pitty and fally. Say, "I sorry." and move on. Try not to buy your weight in new clothes, and try not to eat your weight in pizza. This is the wisdom of the ages.