Slow and Steady... wins the race?

In the attempts to change my body, I have to change my life. Getting back to work since mid August has really just knocked the stuffing right out of me, and adding exercise and just a smidge of diet awareness has been profitable, as I weighed 282 this morning, and my regular schedule now includes exercise on the to do list... and I have to take it off the list and maybe feel a bit guilty if I am not exercising at least 3 times per week. But, I saw a picture of my sister on facebook, and I didn't think immediately, "Wow, doesn't she look like she is taking good healthy care of herself?" and admire the little heart shaped face with the one little pointed and imp like chin... I immediately jumped to the, "She has had some work done...." conclusion. Then, all the virtuous reasons why I choose not to have some kind of surgical intervention came swirling to the surface and instead of just being happy for my one chinned sister, I am spiteful and accusing.

It is kinda interesting that Diana is exploring that route, and here I sit on top of my 120 (112 now) pound mountain, feeling all virtuous that I want to "do it the 'healthy' way". Yet I am longing for the one chin, the cute clothes and the slim profile. Two years seems like an incredible amount of time, and so far, in the weeks I have been working, I am a bit ahead of the "loose one pound per week" schedule.... But, getting there seems the destination.

This is something I have thought about a lot. Is it the journey or the destination? I used to sleep in the car on long trips. My husband would be disgusted with me missing all the pretty sites... but I always had the attitude of "Wake me up when we get there." That has changed over the years. I want to see the pretty, be present in the moment and generally allow for the "Chop wood, carry water" before enlightenment and after enlightenment, "Chop wood, carry water" philosophy. But quick fixes have an undeniable draw... In six weeks I could recover from a surgery.... then let the melting begin... the no-effort pretty-ifcation.

I worked out today... I saw that I was there sweating and red faced in the mirror, but I felt good to be sweaty and red faced. I kinda used my sister and the idea that she might have taken the easy route.. (which I need to here state, I have no evidence of.... this is just where my competitive sister mind went, because she has not really been in my life for about 5-7 years, so I can't say what she has been doing with her spare time.... Perhaps she got all sweaty and red-faced in her own mirror). I have to say, I used it... When I thought of her, going under a knife to rid herself of excess chin, or the pulling back of the wrinkles... I pushed myself harder.... I do want to loose this weight on my own, because I gained it on my own, and I feel that the loosing and the gaining makes me a creator, not a victim...

To Diana's journey, I give many nods of respect. Diana has been hot. She has been attractive. She wants to get back to something that is familiar and known. Her situation is much different than mine, and she has different motivators to get her towards health. I respect that she knows what is best for herself, her life and her family. I am interested to see how her journey unfolds and how she makes the choices that get her towards health.

To my own journey, I am exploratory. My body rebelled two weeks ago and kinda refused to help me out in the exercise arena... Maybe a little bit of a tantrum... from lethargy to activity, I suppose a body has a right to throw a bit of a hissy fit. So, now that the exercise feels good again, and I have this image of working hard to achieve my goal, I think I will keep working at the big picture, even if it takes two stinking years to get there... Because, it isn't as though the things that were in my life at the time I gained the weight are all resolved, and it will take some time to untangle the motivation to be 120 lbs. overweight...

So, like the turtle, I must soldier on... keep going as well as I can, in kinda a humpty, dumpty, dumpty, dumpty pace, headed there, focused on the target, and just keep on, keeping on. I guess I have to honor my body's tantrums. They stop after a while, and then I can get back on that eliptical...( The treadmill hurts my knee).. so on I go...