All Behavior Is Communication.

As I watch myself taking food into my body, and feel the somewhat desperate and furtive edge to my trolling the fridge and counters at 10:00 pm, I am wondering what I am trying to communicate. I had a good day yesterday. Exercised (though not with a ton of enthusiasm), went out on errands with hubby and daughter, came home and made jewelry... a nice day all around, but then I am hit with this feeling of starvation, and even taking my old hips up from the place I am sitting on the floor working on jewelry seems doable, as I search for something that will satisfy the 10:00 pm hungries.

I used to attribute my eating to my husband, I saw a connection between some sliding comment and my feelings of inadequacy, and justify that I needed the comfort and the food was a good filler for what ailed me. But, as I review my day yesterday, I didn't have any snarky commentary to fend off, deal with or otherwise manage. I just had a pleasant day. But I went trolling anyway once the clock struck ten and I was not in bed yet... I was really starvin' Marvin!

So, I understand addiction enough to know that the desired item can override common sense, education, and self restraint. If the thing I want is food, then I will find a way to justify the food. If the thing I want is to feel filled up because I feel empty, then I will do much to get that full feeling. I am trying to watch myself and see what I am on about. How does that handful of lunchmeat at 10:00, and then again at 10:15 and maybe at 10:30 really get me through something. Cause I feel like I am going to die unless I get it,or something like it to fill the void.

What is this void, and what is it about? I think I have to get to the root of that and figure out what I am feeding. What am I doing when I eat when I know my body is adequately fed and done digesting for the night? Logic seems to be out the window, and I am in a more primal place of survival. I need to think about what is going on for me when I reach for the fridge after 8pm. Maybe journal a bit, or paint a picture, or have a glass of water... But, even if I do find a replacement behavior, there is certainly something I hunger for. Something that I am not getting in the course of my day in terms of spiritual, mental, bodily, or kinetic nutrition. I will continue to watch and try to learn what that might be.