Diana's Saga:

I was a normal-weighted child and teen. In high school, I weighed 118 pounds and wore size 1 pants. When you're thin, they measure you with odd numbers, then when you wear "woman" sizes, even numbers, which I find odd. Anyway, I played tennis and was active but was not a super athlete. I had no hips and big boobs. I was a babe and I had FUN with it! I ate whatever I wanted and never gained weight. My family life growing up had a lot to do with celebrations, parties, holidays, having company, socializing with relatives constantly and every event was centered around the menu.

I married at age 22 weighing 130 after a couple of deliriously happy years dating and partying and restauranting with less exercising. I felt fat on my wedding day. I already loved to cook and bake and entertain.

The first kid came at age 24. I probably weighed 135 at the onset of my pregnancy and gained 50 pounds (185). I lost 30 pounds pretty much right away and hung out at 150-160 for the next 3 years. This was the first time I went to Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, counted calories, etc. I could always manage to lose 5, 10 maybe even 20, but a moment would come when I would decide to stop "dieting" and I would go back to overeating and gain it all back and more.

The second kid came at 28. I weighed 150-160 at pregnancy onset and on the weigh-in at the hospital for my C-section, I weighed 200 pounds. It was not a happy sexy moment in my life. I immediately lost 20 pounds and hung out at 180 for several months. I felt swollen and gross (now 180 even sounds good, but I digress). I went to Jenny Craig and lost 40 pounds in 5 months. I was the model loser. I looked amazing at 140. But then, I very slowly started not paying attention to what and how much I put in my mouth and thus began the next 15 years of constant rollercoaster of losing and gaining. I got kinda busy with working and earning and having two school age children and keeping a home during this phase of my life.

A year ago, I reached my peak at 232 and took part in a community weight loss program which involved nutritional counseling and early morning boot camp workouts for 12 weeks. I lost 25 pounds in that period of time. I was on fire and so excited and motivated and again, the model loser. Then the program was over, I had no one to check in with, and I resumed overeating, stopped exercising, and here I am, today, at 227.

After a lot of soul searching as to why I overeat, I finally decided I must be forcibly and SURGICALLY stopped! I could not come up with a good reason for my weight! I was never molested or abused, always had great self esteem and a supportive loving intact family and a relatively drama-free life. I am happy and love life. I have a gorgeous husband and two healthy smart kids. I have a great job in the dental industry, I craft, have great friends, love where I live, the list goes on. I love to COOK and SERVE and entertain and menu plan and read recipes and watch FOOD Network (Ina Garten I love you!), peruse the gourmet aisle, etc. I sometimes think I am just destined to be a fat grandma who is joyful and bakes and knits and the world can suck it. Then an event comes, and I wish I looked better, or I try to bound up the stairs and my knee hurts, or my friends are going on a hike and I am not in good enough shape to go. How pathetic is that?

So anyway, a couple months ago, I visited my doctor and told her I want the surgery. I want a lap-band and not gastric bypass. I am not going to go into medical details in this blog, just know that this is where I am currently in my head. I want the easy fix. I have tried to lose weight and failed so many times. I am obviously not willing or able to alter my cooking, portions, amount of exercise, for the long term so I am ready to be cut open and have a rubber band placed around my stomach so when I eat more than a tablespoon of food, I will puke. I'm okay with that....some days. I waver back and forth.

Getting the insurance to approve the surgery involves one visit a month to my primary doctor for several months and I have to "prove" I can limit myself on my own and lose 40 pounds before they will approve the surgery. My goal weight is 140 so I need to lose 87 pounds. I do not know what mathematical formula was performed at the doctor's office, but 40 pounds was the number I was told I had to lose to be taken seriously and get approved for the surgery. I am not independently wealthy and not willing to pay cash for the surgery, so I need to go the insurance route. I figured if I can lose 40 pounds on my own, I will no longer want the surgery as I would be about half way to my goal and have some good habits in place by then, and 47 additional pounds to lose would not be worth the risks of surgery. But I decided to take the necessary steps to get approved for the surgery anyway, and then decide to do it or not do it AFTER I lose the requisite 40 pounds.

My first thought after my first wonderfully encouraging appointment with my doctor, whom I admire and adore, was YAY THIS CAN HAPPEN I CAN DO THIS (which is ALWAYS my first thought when embarking on yet another weight loss journey). The first week I lost 7 pounds and I was elated. The next week I lost 2, next week 1, next week 0, next week gained 3 (there was a party!), and so on. I accidentally on purpose forgot the next appointment....so now you are up to the moment. I started out excited and did well, then somewhere I got sidetracked or busy or stressed or SOMETHING and gained back 5 of the 10 I lost. STORY OF MY LIFE.

I don't know if I should go back to the doctor and resume the surgery track or save my copays and just move on yet again to the next thing, which is work out with Katy and try to do this while supporting and encouraging each other. It should be noted that I have known Katy for 12 years and we have a wonderful friendship. I adore Katy for her brains and her heart, and I think she is beautiful at any weight. The woman has a presence and a style and a way all her own. She is an amazing human. I don't judge her for her weight one iota. I believe a person’s appearance has no bearing on the most important qualities a human possesses.....BUT we are getting older and we could DIE, so there is that….seemingly all of a sudden!....digressing again....

You may be reading between the lines here, I am not enthused at the moment about this next trial, the work to do, the seemingly inevitable failure. I am jumping on Katy's enthusiastic bandwagon. I believe in science and science says you can expect a result based on a past experience. Past experience for me is being a Jenny Craig drop-out or gainer backer or a quitter, whatever you want to call it. To lose all this weight and never gain it back again means to change everything....forever. That sounds scary and hard and nearly impossible. So my attitude is: Cut me up and tie off my stomach. I am ready. I wish the insurance didn't make you jump through so many hoops, but I do understand why they require the steps. It is not only a physical change that will happen, but an emotional/ mental one that "they" have to make sure you are able to handle. Basically, they have to make sure you aren't too nuts or too stupid I guess.

So I think I'll go ahead and reschedule my missed appointment with the doc and at the same time just pull up my big girl panties (true that!...they are really big cotton briefs...I have a funny underwear story I will share with you later) and take it a day at a time, go to the gym with Katy, eat more fresh and healthy and less baked and buttery. For some insane reason, I have agreed to share this experience with whomever is bored enough to read it. All my secrets. My NUMBERS for crying out loud. What the hell. It might work. And if it does, Katy and I figure there's a book deal in there somewhere and we will laugh our tiny firm asses off in our bikinis on the sands of Waikiki sipping diet pina coladas, reminiscing about when we were fatties. More later.......diana